But after some days of this, a longing for adventure began to gnaw
at Banshee's mind, and at the same time an enormous burden of guilt began
to loom before him as a dark and impenetrable screen, shutting off the
light he had known in the company of his teacher.
Not only are my past sins like towering mountains,
he thought to himself, but now I long to add even
more to them. What a hopeless wretch I am! Despondency overtook
him, and he cursed himself for a fool for trying to emulate a holy man
and for a weakling for desiring his old way of life.
Then the words of his teacher came back vividly to him, and he felt
that he must press on as one pushing and cutting his way through an almost
impenetrable jungle toward light and open land. Be
strong, Buckshee, he told himself. Are
you not strong? Be master of your mind and a servant of the Lord. Be a
man, Buckshee, and attain salvation.